Story #10

Cold as Ice


Cast List:
Tiffany Rousso
Natalie Negrotti
Vanessa Rousso
Kathy (coach)
Michelle Meyer
Bridgette Dunning
Liz Nolan
Julia Nolan

Please don’t talk to me anymore. It’s impossible to connect with someone like you who has a heart as cold as ice.

I’ve read that message from one year ago over and over multiple times. She could have been the love of my life, but I didn’t let that happen. It’s uncomfortable to let people in, she knew that when we started everything. It’s like people don’t remember that if you hit ice hard enough it cracks or if you warm it up, it melts into nothing but a puddle. When a layer of ice isn’t thick enough, you fall through and are engulfed in freezing cold waters that completely consume you. It can quickly suck the life out of you, until you have nothing left. I didn’t want that for her, I knew she deserved better. I couldn’t help but wonder if she warmed me up and turned my ice into water, what would be left of me? I’d be liquid, either contained neatly in a glass or spilling over the edge and unmanageable. Being ice, as she would say, was just easier for us…even though it has a strange way of burning the both of us.

***

“I can’t believe that you’re making me do this, Vanessa.” I whisper under my breath, just loud enough for her to hear as I drag my suitcase behind me, one broken wheel making it difficult to keep up with her pace.

“Tiff, it’s been three years since we’ve played any hockey at all. Kathy came up with this fundraiser idea and it means a lot to her. The least we could do is help. I’m pretty sure we are the only ones on her rag tag team that have any knowledge about hockey at all.” My first thought was about how that would mean Natalie probably won’t be there. I feel a sense of relief at that idea but also a little disappointed.

“Vanessa! Tiffany! Over here!” Kathy shouts out from the driver’s side of her car as she waits for us in the airport pick up lane. We toss our bags in the car and of course Vanessa rushes to get the front seat. It’s not like I care all that much, I’m used to having to take the back seat.

“I’d like to thank you both so much for helping me with this! I am going to need all the help I can get, honestly. I’m happy to have come up with the idea for the BBUS vs BBCan women’s hockey game fundraiser, but to be honest I assumed I’d be coaching the Canada team. I shouldn’t be shocked they’d rather have Damien Ketlo be their coach…” Coach Kathy began telling us all of this, as if I had asked for her to explain that we were her second choice.

“Yea, the Canada team has a leg up on us for sure. Tiff and I might be a little bit rusty, but I know that with Tiff in the goal, they’re going to have a really hard time scoring on us!” Vanessa is super excited for this event, why wouldn’t she be, since it’s yet another thing that she can assert her dominance in. She was always a top scoring forward when she played in high school and college, and she won’t miss any opportunity to show that she is the best at everything she does.

***

Coach Kathy dropped us off at our hotel for us to put our stuff away and get ready for the first practice.

“Do you know who Kathy has brought in our team? I haven’t really heard anyone else, then again, I don’t exactly stay in contact with anyone so I wouldn’t know.” I ask as I open the door to the ice rink.

“Well, I’m pretty sure she got ladies from our seasons…the Nolan twins, Bridgette, Michelle, and well Natalie of course.” She says her name as I spot her in the building. I freeze in place at the doorway and look over at Vanessa, confused about why she wouldn’t have warned me about this before.

“You knew Natalie would be here?”

“Yea? I thought you guys were friends…I know it’s been a while since y’all talked, but what’s the big deal?” I guess I can’t expect her to understand if I never told her. We both walk up to the girls, and they all greet us with hugs. Natalie’s smile widens when she sees me but only for a fleeting moment. Both of us are doing whatever possible to avoid eye contact or interaction.

“I didn’t realize you would be coming.” She said softly after she got closer to me.

“I didn’t know you’d be here either, wouldn’t have come if I did.” Her eyes locked with mine as my words cut through the air. She always had a way of expressing everything she was feeling through her deep brown eyes, and although I didn’t like hurting her feelings, I didn’t want her to think that I was excited to see her.

“Alright ladies, lets suit up and get on the ice! We don’t really have that much time to practice, the game is tomorrow night.” Coach Kathy shouted at us from her bench. We head to the women’s locker room to change, and I couldn’t help but feel Natalie’s eyes lingering on me like they used to back when we were something more than what we are now…

***
One Year Ago

“You can’t keep staring at me from across the room like that, people are going to notice something” I said, holding back my own laughter as I intertwined her fingers with mine. She giggled as she pressed her body against me, pushing me up against the wall in the small bathroom we found to get away from everyone.

“So what if they do?” She bit her lip after her question, moving her face even closer to mine.

“What do you mean?” I dropped her hand and pushed her slightly away from me to create distance between us.

“I mean, maybe it’s time we stop making this a secret. We’ve been sneaking off to make out every time we are at the same event and I’m starting to not really understand why. I mean, sure I was with James before but that’s far from over now and to be honest…” she grabbed my hand again, her touch so gentle and careful, as if there is some dire need to be delicate with me, “It’s always been you. I’ve always had feelings for you and whenever I’m around you, you make my heartbeat so fast, see feel it.” She pulled my hand up to her chest, directly over her heart. “Tiff, I am so happy any time that I am around you, you are a beautiful and wonderful person and…I’ve fallen in love with you, and I don’t care who the hell knows.” She leaned in to kiss me, but I turn my head away from her.

“Natalie, that’s not…that’s not what I thought this was.” I didn’t mean to be so cold, it was just like an instinct. All my life, the words I love you had given me a strange feeling. As if something about it doesn’t seem real. I don’t know why after years of rejection and loneliness, my response to someone that I love telling me that they love me was like this.

“Didn’t you tell James that you love him too? Look how that turned out.” I saw tears well up in her eyes and I felt like such an asshole, but the idea of us being more than what we already were was the scariest idea that anyone has ever proposed to me.

“I tell you that I love you and that’s your response?” Her words came out softly but with force. I could tell she was getting angry, but it was fueled by pain.

“I’ve been having a lot of fun with you and stuff, but I never intended for this to be more than like a fling or whatever...why does it have to be more than that?” I asked and she scoffed at the question.

“I didn’t realize this meant so little to you.” She started to cry, and I looked down at my feet, unable to face her because that would make me break down too.

“I never meant to hurt you, Natalie.” I managed to choke out. I think you could hardly tell that I was on the verge of tears too, I mask it well. She makes her way to the door and opens it.

“Fuck you” I heard her say softly as she walked out the door, closing it behind her. When I heard the door click shut, I run up to lock it so that nobody can walk in on me crying. It’s lonely to be single, I often find myself wishing that I had someone who could love me forever. But what’s worse than being single is being heartbroken, giving all that you have to someone and it not being enough. What’s worse than never having a forever is the idea of thinking I had one only for it to be taken away.

***

I’m staring down at that last text she sent me a year ago once again. Does she think about all of that as much as I do? Does she wait up at night waiting for me to respond and text back? Because there have been nights when I almost do.

“Tiff! Let’s go!” Michelle grabs my arm and pulls me along with her, making me drop the phone before I’m able to put it away.

“Oh, you dropped this!” Of course, it’s Natalie who bends to pick it up. She looks at the screen briefly before clearing her throat and handing it over to me.

“You probably don’t want to bring that on the ice…” she said softly as she walked by us. Michelle and I make our way out onto the ice to listen to Coach Kathy. Natalie, who is typically always peppy and smiling, appears as if she’s not really paying attention as she looks at the ground with a straight face.

“Alright ladies…now, I know the twins, Bridgette, and Michelle are going to be a little behind on everything but here’s the deal. We have Vanessa as our main forward, Natalie as our solid defender, and Tiff in our goal. You three will be our strengths and the rest of you will be working around them.” Coach Kathy stated, making it clear that she is really relying on us…no pressure at all.

“No offense Coach Kathy, but doesn’t Canada have this in the bag since it's like hockey or whatever? Like, do we even have a shot?” Liz asked as she smacked a piece of her gum.
“That’s not true! There have been nine women’s World Hockey Championship tournaments and sure, Canada won the gold in each one, but the USA won silver in the first eight but the positions were flipped in 2005! It’s not like everyone in Canada plays hockey and knows it well. They have Damien coaching them but their team doesn’t have a Tiffany, Vanessa, or Natalie.” Coach Kathy said enthusiastically.

“And not to brag or anything, but I was a candidate for the Patty Kazmaier Award in college which is an award given out each year to the most outstanding college women’s player” Vanessa just had to boast. I’m proud of her for that accomplishment though, she always inspired me to be the best that I could be since being the little sister in her shadow is a terrifying place to be.

“Also, in 2011 the US women’s national ice hockey team beat China to win the Four Nations Tournament. So, US women’s hockey has a lot of accomplishment’s, people just aren’t that aware of it.” Natalie chimed in.

“That’s all great and all, but how is that going to help us beat the BBCan girls?” Michelle asked.

“We just need to try our best, you guys! Let’s practice!” Bridgette said with a smile. You can always count on her to be optimistic…because I certainly am not.

***


“Are these still your favorite?” I looked down to see a plate of Tater Tots in front of me. I looked over to see Natalie plop herself down next to me with her own plate.

“Yea, you remembered?” I smile slightly as I pop one in my mouth.

“Of course! I remember everything about you.” I avoid eye contact with her and continue to eat my food.

“Listen…do you…want to talk later? I know we have more practice after lunch, but I think it would be good to talk.”

“I don’t really know what we have to talk about.” I keep shutting her out and I wish that I didn’t do that. I wish I just let her know that I think about her every day, and I miss her more than I could ever express.

“I miss you. I don’t like how things ended with us and I saw that you were looking at that last text that I sent you that day. I don’t know if that hurt you and I’m really sorry if it did. I felt rejected by you and I wanted to hurt you back and that wasn’t right. I tried to push you into something too fast and after having time to reflect and think on it, I wasn’t really seeing things from your perspective at all. I had been sneaking around with you for weeks, even when I was with James, just freshly broke it off with him, and I know it seemed like I was trying to rush into something with you. I know I seemed like an unreliable partner, and I really don’t blame you for how you responded to that situation. I miss you in my life though because before everything you were my best friend.” I look over her after she’s done speaking and get lost in her eyes. I don’t know what to say so I just stuff my face with another tater tot.

“I miss you too.” I muffle out with my mouth full. She smiles and her usual peppy self is back as she wraps her arms around me in a hug. I feel her heart beating fast in her chest, just like that night.

“I would love to be friends again, but I want to do what’s comfortable for you, so just let me know how you’re feeling about things okay? I’m going to go talk to Bridgette, she really wants to show me pictures of her new pet Chinchilla, but I want to catch up more later…okay?” She smiled at me again before getting up and walking over to Bridgette. I am not sure if it is a good idea to have her back in my life as just a friend, but it does feel good to feel the butterflies again.

***

“I guess it’s fine if we stay up a little bit and watch a movie, but we have to go to bed right after! The game is tomorrow, and we can’t be tired! Oh, and if we are watching a movie, I am utilizing my Coach privileges to force us to watch Perks of Being a Wallflower.” Coach Kathy says as the other girls let out a gleeful cheer. Natalie sits next to me on the couch so we can share a bowl of popcorn, but I have to make the conscious effort to make sure my hand doesn’t touch hers. My feelings for her are as strong as they were a year ago, but I don’t want her to know that.

When the bowl of popcorn runs out, I set it on the floor and pull the blanket around us closer to my chest. Natalie notices that all the other girls have fallen asleep, and this prompts her to cuddle up closer to me, wrapping the blanket around herself too. I don’t pull away, but I feel my heartbeat rising as she leans her head against my chest.

“I hear your heart beating fast…” she whispers. I get up away from her and walk outside. I blow out and see the puff of cold air surround me. I hear the door open and I turn to face her.

“I can’t be friends with you if you’re going to do shit like that.” Each word has that puff of cold air with it, like I'm blowing out an ice fire from my lungs.

“Why won’t you ever let me in, Tiffany? We could have had something, but you would never let that happen. I know that text I sent you a year ago was harsh but it’s true. You are so fucking cold! Like is your heart made of stone? Ice? Why are you so resistant?” She asked, a tone of desperation in her voice as she tries to get through to me.

“It’s just easier to be alone. I don’t want anything serious…opening myself up to something more is too scary. I know I might seem tough, but I’m more fragile than you think.” She shakes her head and lets out a sigh. The cold air leaves her body smoothly, while mine is sharp and quick.

“We accept the love we think we deserve…and I guess that explains why you don’t accept any at all. I wanted more than anything to show you that you do deserve it, but if you won’t let me, there’s not much that I can do about that.” We just stand there and look at one another and I shrug my shoulders, avoiding uttering any noise so that the knot in my throat doesn’t unravel.

“Goodnight, Tiffany. We should sleep for the game tomorrow. Don’t worry, after that we truly don’t have to ever see each other again.”

***

“They’re fucking killing us, Coach.” Julia huffs out as we huddle during our break after second period.

“The score is only 3-1. We could easily tie it up.” Coach Kathy patted Julia on the back as she tried to cheer her up.

“If my defense could help me out at all, that would be fuckin great” I said sharply.

“I mean, Bridgette is trying her best but it’s almost like it’s just me vs all of them. I’m trying my best too, Tiff.” Natalie responds.

“Well, your best clearly is not good enough. Neither is mine. There are obviously too many factors against us that make this impossible. It’s not going to work.” For a moment, I wondered to myself if it was really the game I was talking about or us.

“Enough, you guys. All we can do is try. If we don’t try, we will never know what we were or weren’t capable of. I’d rather give it a shot than nothing at all. Let’s go! We got this, ladies! Just get the puck to me when you can! Natalie, you’re doing great, just keep working at it no matter how tiring it gets!” Vanessa pipes in and we go back on the ice after giving a cheer.

The third quarter begins and within moments, Vanessa manages to maneuver her way to the goal and score. She’s pepped up and energized which is great for our team, but Natalie is beaten down. She continuously is having a tough time against their offense, since they have picked up on the fact that our it’s our weak point with only Natalie having the skills to do anything. I can tell that she is exhausted, but she’s not going to give up.

There are five minutes left on the clock and we are down by one. I’ve managed to save the goal a number of times but at this moment, I see three of their teammates charging straight toward me and none of our defense in the way. I’m prepared for them to score on me, when all the sudden Natalie comes out of nowhere to protect me. It all happens in a blur, but before I know it both Natalie and the BBCan player are on the ground after Natalie swooped in. The audience is cheering and whooping, but I look over at Coach Kathy who is screaming for the medic. I look over at Natalie and clearly see why. Her arm is twisted in such a way that an arm shouldn’t be and she’s not sitting up. I throw off my helmet and rush over to her.

“Natalie? Natalie, say something.” I kneel down next to her and she comes back into consciousness, clearly in pain.

“Owwww” she moans out.

“Are you insane? This is a stupid fucking fundraiser game, why the hell did you do that and throw yourself out there when you could get hurt.”

“You told me my best wasn’t good enough for you. I’d rather throw myself into the line of fire than have you think you’d be dealing with it alone.” She managed to let out.

“I love you…” I whispered out, but the commotion of everyone else coming to help her covered up the sound of my words.

“We got you, Natalie. We are going to take you in right now. We can cancel the game.” Coach Kathy said in a panic.

“No, no, finish. I’ll be fine. You guys can all visit me after…” She squeezed my hand with her free one as she was wheeled out.

“Let’s do this for Nat!” Vanessa said to all of us before the game began again. And just like before, Vanessa was able to score moments after we started back up.

With one minute left on the clock, we are all tied up and on our last break. Coach Kathy was about ready to give us one last pep talk when her phone started to ring.

“Oh, that’s Natalie’s girlfriend on the phone I should update her about what’s going on, but you guys got this!”

“Her…her what?” I feel as though my whole body is ice, but I’m not cold. I just feel numb. I should have prepared for this, honestly.

“I can’t remember her name, but they’ve been together for a while now! Such a cute couple really, you should meet her!” Michelle was right next to me as she spoke, but it felt as though she was yards away from me. Natalie really was just asking to be in my life again as a friend and I was silly enough to think there was potential of more again.

I stumble back onto the ice, trying to focus on the one minute of game left but it’s hard to when all I can think about was how I finally admitted that I love someone when it's too late.

The forwards on the BBCan team are racing toward me once again and this time, Natalie isn’t there. They shoot the puck my way and I hear it whiz by me as the final buzzer rings.

I look over at my teammates faces, filled with disappointment as the BBCAN team cheers about their win. I’m yet again reminded that my best is not good enough.

“It’s alright, Tiffany. You stopped them so many times, it was a tough game” Vanessa said, trying to comfort me.

“I never really cared in the first place” I spat back.

“Damn, that’s cold.” Liz said under her breath.

“It’s easier to move on that way.”

I lied, though. It’s only easier to act like you have moved on, but I know better than anyone that ice is just water that is frozen where you left it.
 


Source for hockey facts:
https://www.factmonster.com/sports/women-sports/ice-hockey